Wednesday, November 4, 2009

7 Minutes Nellie

A new nickname for every fantasy basketball player's favorite head coach. Seven minutes Nellie. Basically what it means is that if Nellie has anything good to say about a player on his team it is close to guaranteed that said player will only put in seven minutes in the Warriors next game. Case in point, Anthony Randolph. Mere hours after pontificating on the kind of spark Randolph could bring the Warriors as the first center off-the bench Nellie's first substitution for his current whipping boy Andris Biedrins with...wait for it.... Mikki Moore!

Moore then proceeded to play 29 minutes while contributing absolutely nothing. For what its worth, Randolph fans, he was able to outscore Moore 4-2 in 2/3 less minutes. Not all the news is bad, however. Knowing Nellie odds are that Randolph starts at PG and plays 48 minutes on Friday. Unless, of course, Acie Law looks good carrying Monta Ellis' bags to the hotel room.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Damn baseball

Wow. So the Tigers magically pulled a deal out of their ass that landed them Miguel cabrera and Dontrelle Willis. I would bitch and moan about it but I'm impressed that the Marlins are stupid enough to trade away their two biggest draws, all the while bitching about how they can't get any fans. What's next? They trade Hanley Ramirez to the Angels for Reggie Willits and Jeff Mathis. As an Angels fan i'd be like, hell yeah, but as a baseball fan that would kind of suck. MLB should just hold an expansion draft with all of the Marlins players and send that team to wherever the Seattle Pilots and Washington Senators team logos are resting at this hour.

In other more, entertaining news, the Royals appeared to have signed Jose Guillen. They overpaid, of course, (I mean, are they going to go sign Reggie Sanders for 12 million dollars a year again too) but at least their acquisition brings me renewed hope that someday we will see Jose Guillen and Milton Bradley patrolling some outfield somewhere because, as we all know, the Royals are idiots and if they're willing to sign Jose Guillen perhaps they're willing to acquire Milton Bradley, perhaps for Mark Teahan and whatever other super-prospect they have going on over there.

I can picture it now - Bengie Molina hits a fly ball to center field

MILTON: I got it.
JOSE: No you don't you son of a bitch I got it.
MILTON: What's that mother fucker? You want to start some shit?
JOSE: Pendejo, let's go.
MILTON: Somebody toss me a water bottle so I can impale this mother fucker!

Mark Teahan runs over to corral the ball that has rolled to the center field wall

MILTON: What you doing white boy? You going to take my ball? You in with Jeff Kent, grand wizard or some shit?
JOSE: Wait a second, what's that SOB's name? Mike? Kick me off your team will you?

They both tackle Teahan and Bengie Molina gets the first extra base hit of his career.

Please baseball, gods, if you are willing to allow Johan Santana and Miguel Cabrera be traded for shitty prospects at least toss the rest of us non middle to east American baseball fans some kind of angry, easily aggravated bone. And toss Frank Francisco in that bullpen while you're at it.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Hall of Fame business

So every argumentative baseball fans annual wet dream - better known as the voting for the Hall of Fame - is fast approaching. Tomorrow or Monday I'll write who I think should make the Hall of Fame (while providing completely useless reasons why), but today, i thought it would be interesting to look at the random vote totals that some players have received in recent years.



2007:
Harold Baines - In 2007, Baines year of HOF eligibility, he received a scant 29 votes (5.7%). Now Baines wasn't exactly the Jesus of baseball, but he was pretty damn good. He had a .289 career average, 384 homers and a respectable .821 OPS. However, the knock against him was that all he could really do was hit, and as a result, played DH especially after his original team, the White Sox, traded him (beginning his journeyman phase). He never hit more than thirty homers in a season, but he still, in my opinion, deserved to receive more votes that Don-fucking-Mattingly. Yay, Yankees are great, but Baines was his equal and for almost twice as long (and Baines' Baseball-reference page hasn't been turned into a cheap attempt at advertising).
Fun facts about Baines - he played for 22 season yet only managed to steal 34 career bases. Among the many players he was traded for were Sammy Sosa, Brook Fordyce, and the immortal Scott Chiamparino.



2006 Hank Morrison - Who the hell is Hank Morrison? I don't know if the baseball Hall of Fame has their own voting tallies incorrect but it says that a Hank Morrison received 5 votes in 2006 and I, for the life of me, have no idea who he is and neither baseball library or baseball-reference.com has any idea either. Maybe they mean, Hal Morris, but still, why the hell would you vote for a weak hitting Cincinatti Reds first baseman? That's like voting for Sean Casey.



2004 Cecil Fielder - In 2004 Cecil Fielder, yes the fat guy that I vaguely remember suiting up for the Angels - the one that hit 51 homers in 1990 and made all 25 remaining Detroit Tigers fans wet their pants received one vote for the Hall of Fame. That's one more than Bob 'dare you to pronounce my name correctly' Tewksbury and one less than Juan 'that ball is rarely gone' Samuel. If Chili Davis, a less fat, not as powerful first basemen that DH'ed for the Angels late in his career can get three votes, than why can't Cecil? It's those 2 years that Chili played for the Yankees I tell you. That makes the guy that votes for every Yankee on the ballot write his name in or something.



2000: Bill Gullickson - I was actually going to make fun of Bill Gullickson for receiving one Hall of Fame vote in 2000 because the only thing I remember about him was that he was a sub-par starting pitcher for those miserable early 90's Detroit Tigers teams. However, with a little bit of baseball-reference magic i found out that he was actually a relatively solid starting pitcher for the Montrael Expos during the 1980's and that he actually won 20 games one year! So now I think he should have gotten a couple more votes. I'm assuming that in 1987 when he pitched for the Yankees (albeit briefly) he must have crapped in Don 'we swear he's the new Dimaggio' Mattingly's shoes or something, otherwise he'd have like 17 votes.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Sean Taylor

This (I am almost 100 percent certain based on the mug shot the same name, similar location and random pictures of a seventeen year old with dozens of 100 dollar bills) is one of the guys that was arrested in the shooting of Redskins safety Sean Taylor.

$MR.FLORIDA$'s myspace.

Anyone else find it ironic that while he may be responsible for taking the life of Sean Taylor some of the friend's on his page have changed their photos to memorialize him?


UPDATE



His site was taken down. At least I can say i had it linked hours before the AP did, my gift to the 5 people that looked at my post!

Friday, November 16, 2007

I Posted something

I'm still alive, ready to speak volumes to my non-existent audience! YES!

Anyways my baseball obsession has kicked in again, and, well, I've decided to scribe out some BS about the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim - aka, the only sports team name that requires you to take more than two breaths when you say it.

Recent rumors out of LAA land suggest that the Angels are targeting a third baseman. Since A-God realized that his buxom she-male blonde lived in New York and that if he moved to Irvine he wouldn't have extensive access to her and resigned with the Yankees the Angels seem to have two new third basemen in their sights. One is the shitastic Mike Lowell and the other is Dominican Marlin himself Miguel Cabrera. Now, let me be frank, Mike Lowell sucks, and if the Angels give him 55 million or whatever the hell he's asking for they're idiots. He's 32 and managed 120 RBI, because, well, he's right handed and plays in Boston. Hell Dontrelle Willis could pound out 120 RBI in that situation. So, Arte, if you were to sign Lowell for 55 million he'll probably suck and you'll end up dressing him like Mickey Mouse or something for creative cross-marketing purposes just to recoup the losses.

Miguel Cabrera on the other hand - well actually I'm not to sure about him. All signs point to yes, yes, oh Jesus yes mortgage the farm, sell the Volvo and find some way to get him. 24 year old third basemen with his skills don't exactly grow on trees. However, the Marlins are psychotic or something because they seem to be expecting not only Howie Kendrick, our oft-injured jesus second basemen and Brandon Wood, the k-tastic power prospect but they also expect Nick Adenhart who, unlike Ervin "Magicless" Santana, might actually live up to the hype. Giving up that much should make any GM hesitate. And, it should, especially, make the Angels GM (whose name i no longer know - regan or something) hesitate considering how miserably these kinds of things have gone.

And so, after that lengthy tirade I present the worst deals the Angels have ever made (in my lifetime that is)!!

5. March 5, 1990; Released Robinson Checo:
Why Doug Rader why? How could you release a guy with a hardass name like that. Sure he didn't make it to the majors until 1996 and even then only played three years and had a sparkling 7.61 era, but still, his name was Robinson. He might not have struck out many batters but goddamnit, he struck a chord in my heart!
4. March 14, 1991; Traded Dante Bichette to the Milwaukee Brewers for Dave Parker:
This one made total sense. Let's see Dante Bichette is 26 years old and had the third most homers on our team in 1990. Dave Parker is like 72, really sucks and likes cocaine. How can you not make that deal? My theory is that they weren't trading for Dave Parker but they were, rather, trading for Dave Parker's beard.
3. June 3, 1991; Drafted Eduardo Perez, Jorge Fabregas, Chris Pritchett, Chris Turner, Mark Sweeney, Shad Williams and Jacob Cruz.
Ouch. Who was running this draft - Mitch Kupchack? On the plus side Chris Pritchett, while playing only 61 real major league games, was a total monster in Baseball Mogul 1998.
2. March 23, 2000; Traded Jim Edmonds to the St. Louis Cardinals for Kent Bottenfield and Adam Kennedy:
I guess Adam Kennedy only kind of sucked but for christs sake he was the afterthought in this deal. The center-pieces were Edmonds and Bottenfield, best known to Angels fans as that fat guy we traded for that other fat guy Ron Gant. I"m not sure what part of Bottenfield's track record made the Angels actually think he could replicate his infamous 18 win season of 1999. Maybe it was the 5.07 ERA he posted in 1993. Actually, i'm guessing they assumed Troy Glaus would share his stash with Kent or that the threat of Mo Vaughn devouring his left leg would motivate him or something.
1. Speaking of...
December 11, 1991; Sign Mo Vaughn for a hell of a lot of money:
At the time this deal had me moderately excited. Mo Vaughn after all kicked ass. But, he was also a fatass, and that was the part that bit the Angels in the ass when he took the tumble heard round the world down those dugout steps. Anyways, The Hit Dog played a couple years in Anaheim ate a couple hundred Angels dogs and was promptly shuffled off to the Mets for the almost as crappy Kevin Appier. But, at least they didn't spend that money on Kevin Brown right?

Monday, July 30, 2007

An imagined conversation with Jerry Buss

Q: So, it's been a rough off-season what with Kobe and the legions of Lakers fans demanding some change. How do you intend to address his and their concerns?

A: Please, those concerns have already been addressed.

Q: Really? The only significant addition to the Lakers addition has been a 32 year old backup point guard...

A: That's right, ol Jerry went out and broke open the bank to bring back your beloved Derek Fisher. Everything's la la in Lakerland. That Derek, he has heart, that's all this team needs, is a little extra heart!!! And did you see who I drafted? That Sun Yen Son-of-a-bitch, he's got grit, and moxie, and he's not Smush Parker. I know you bastards hated that guy.

Q: Maybe but he doesn't even feature in the Lakers long term plans. If the only players we add are washed up veterans and foreign-contracted youngsters then how can you expect to remain competitive...

A: Competitive eh? You think I can't be competitive. Well old Jerry says stick it up your ass. Even when I was pulled over for being drunk and driving the wrong way down a one-way street I still had some hot 23-year-old tail wrapped around my arm. I'll give you competitive you son-of-a-bitch. Old Hugh's got nothing on Dr. Love.

Q: I didn't mean competitive in love. This isn't a reality show. I was referring to the sport. I mean have you even seen the team you've put together?

A: You're damn right I've seen the team. We got that beef guy, Kobe, Lomax, the chef dude-cookie's his name, Bynum, uh, the white fellow with the curly hair, and then we have vujavacicisous, he's my favorite. Hell we even have to second most famous Dr. Phil in Hollywood. That son-of-a-bitch, he's after my money. But I'll tell you what, if you think the action's good down on the court, well then, you should come on up to my suite. Everything there vibrates, I kid you not! That's where Dr. Love fills out his prescriptions.

Q: Yes, its good you're a horny old man, but what about the on-the-court action?

A: On-the-court action? I'll tell you what, I've thought about it, but jeez, so many people. I get performance anxiety you know. I mean a small crowd's ok, but 25,000? Give me a break! Mark Ruffalo couldn't take that kind of pressure, and I'm 72!

Q: Never mind then. I guess the only thing left to ask, since you've more than established your lasciviousness, is what do you plan on doing to improve this team?

A: Improve the team? Haven't you been listening? D-erek F-isher!! Mr 0.6! Do I have to spell it out for you? Ah, who the fuck am I kidding? I'm rich! I don't need you sons-of-a-bitches! Hell as long as we're not the Clippers you dumbfucks will keep on filling up my arena and I'll keep on filling my pockets with sweet mother money. The moolah, the cold-hard cash!! I could trot out a starting lineup of Vlade Divac, Travis Knight, Jon Barry, Ryan Minor and Sasha Vujavacicisous rain my feces down upon the crowd while wearing a klansmen outfit and you dumbasses would still pay me!! So Hah!!

Q: Oh, ok, thank you for your time Mr. Buss.

A: Anytime you dirty old whoring son-of-a-bitch. Say, you wanna drink?

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Damn Indonesians

As some that know me know I am a baseball obsessive. As such, I've decided to start writing about some baseball stuff on this site. Why? I don't know, just for kicks.

Anyways, today Mike Piazza was nailed in the head with a water bottle during a game (and i thought that kind of thing only happened in Oakland). Piazza called the fan "gutless" and then proceeded to press charges, saying he hoped the fan would spend the night in jail. I do too, he's obviously a retard. It's never really a good thing for fans to be throwing things from the stands but it does beg the question-which objects, when tossed with reckless abandon, would cause other major leaguers to press charges?

So, following, is a largely pointless list, yay!!

1. Richie Sexson: Judging by how insanely successful Sexson's year has not been (unless of course you consider having more strikeouts than hits as a full time player successful) I'm tempted to think that Richie Sexson would feasibly press charges if some over-zealous fan were to print out the Mariners season stats highlight Sexson's name ball up the paper and chuck it at Richie's goatee white shouting "I drafted you in the sixth round motherfucker!!" After all, only a mother could love a .202 average, and even then it would likely be a forced love, like the kind prisoners give each other.

2. Edwin Jackson: If some creative soul were to craft a foam W (like the talking ones you see on Sesame Street) and lob it at Edwin I would think he'd be terrified enough to call in the cops. After all, I don't think Jackson has seen a "W" in what seems like five years. He'd probably think it was a rabid seagull, or a horribly deformed, food-poisoning infected curly fry.

3. Barry Bonds: I'm sure this one has already happened (not in San Francisco of course) but if a syringe were to pelt Barry in the ass his sense of righteousness would definitely kick in causing him to cal in San Fran's finest. After all, Barry never did that shit.

4. Gary Sheffield: If a bird were to crap on Gary's head, if a mosquito were to buzz in his ear or if some malcontent were to throw 3 sticks of dynamite at his feet Gary's reaction would be the same-calling the fuzz. After all, the only reason any of those creatures were targeting him was because he's black.