Q: So, it's been a rough off-season what with Kobe and the legions of Lakers fans demanding some change. How do you intend to address his and their concerns?
A: Please, those concerns have already been addressed.
Q: Really? The only significant addition to the Lakers addition has been a 32 year old backup point guard...
A: That's right, ol Jerry went out and broke open the bank to bring back your beloved Derek Fisher. Everything's la la in Lakerland. That Derek, he has heart, that's all this team needs, is a little extra heart!!! And did you see who I drafted? That Sun Yen Son-of-a-bitch, he's got grit, and moxie, and he's not Smush Parker. I know you bastards hated that guy.
Q: Maybe but he doesn't even feature in the Lakers long term plans. If the only players we add are washed up veterans and foreign-contracted youngsters then how can you expect to remain competitive...
A: Competitive eh? You think I can't be competitive. Well old Jerry says stick it up your ass. Even when I was pulled over for being drunk and driving the wrong way down a one-way street I still had some hot 23-year-old tail wrapped around my arm. I'll give you competitive you son-of-a-bitch. Old Hugh's got nothing on Dr. Love.
Q: I didn't mean competitive in love. This isn't a reality show. I was referring to the sport. I mean have you even seen the team you've put together?
A: You're damn right I've seen the team. We got that beef guy, Kobe, Lomax, the chef dude-cookie's his name, Bynum, uh, the white fellow with the curly hair, and then we have vujavacicisous, he's my favorite. Hell we even have to second most famous Dr. Phil in Hollywood. That son-of-a-bitch, he's after my money. But I'll tell you what, if you think the action's good down on the court, well then, you should come on up to my suite. Everything there vibrates, I kid you not! That's where Dr. Love fills out his prescriptions.
Q: Yes, its good you're a horny old man, but what about the on-the-court action?
A: On-the-court action? I'll tell you what, I've thought about it, but jeez, so many people. I get performance anxiety you know. I mean a small crowd's ok, but 25,000? Give me a break! Mark Ruffalo couldn't take that kind of pressure, and I'm 72!
Q: Never mind then. I guess the only thing left to ask, since you've more than established your lasciviousness, is what do you plan on doing to improve this team?
A: Improve the team? Haven't you been listening? D-erek F-isher!! Mr 0.6! Do I have to spell it out for you? Ah, who the fuck am I kidding? I'm rich! I don't need you sons-of-a-bitches! Hell as long as we're not the Clippers you dumbfucks will keep on filling up my arena and I'll keep on filling my pockets with sweet mother money. The moolah, the cold-hard cash!! I could trot out a starting lineup of Vlade Divac, Travis Knight, Jon Barry, Ryan Minor and Sasha Vujavacicisous rain my feces down upon the crowd while wearing a klansmen outfit and you dumbasses would still pay me!! So Hah!!
Q: Oh, ok, thank you for your time Mr. Buss.
A: Anytime you dirty old whoring son-of-a-bitch. Say, you wanna drink?
Monday, July 30, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Damn Indonesians
As some that know me know I am a baseball obsessive. As such, I've decided to start writing about some baseball stuff on this site. Why? I don't know, just for kicks.
Anyways, today Mike Piazza was nailed in the head with a water bottle during a game (and i thought that kind of thing only happened in Oakland). Piazza called the fan "gutless" and then proceeded to press charges, saying he hoped the fan would spend the night in jail. I do too, he's obviously a retard. It's never really a good thing for fans to be throwing things from the stands but it does beg the question-which objects, when tossed with reckless abandon, would cause other major leaguers to press charges?
So, following, is a largely pointless list, yay!!
1. Richie Sexson: Judging by how insanely successful Sexson's year has not been (unless of course you consider having more strikeouts than hits as a full time player successful) I'm tempted to think that Richie Sexson would feasibly press charges if some over-zealous fan were to print out the Mariners season stats highlight Sexson's name ball up the paper and chuck it at Richie's goatee white shouting "I drafted you in the sixth round motherfucker!!" After all, only a mother could love a .202 average, and even then it would likely be a forced love, like the kind prisoners give each other.
2. Edwin Jackson: If some creative soul were to craft a foam W (like the talking ones you see on Sesame Street) and lob it at Edwin I would think he'd be terrified enough to call in the cops. After all, I don't think Jackson has seen a "W" in what seems like five years. He'd probably think it was a rabid seagull, or a horribly deformed, food-poisoning infected curly fry.
3. Barry Bonds: I'm sure this one has already happened (not in San Francisco of course) but if a syringe were to pelt Barry in the ass his sense of righteousness would definitely kick in causing him to cal in San Fran's finest. After all, Barry never did that shit.
4. Gary Sheffield: If a bird were to crap on Gary's head, if a mosquito were to buzz in his ear or if some malcontent were to throw 3 sticks of dynamite at his feet Gary's reaction would be the same-calling the fuzz. After all, the only reason any of those creatures were targeting him was because he's black.
Anyways, today Mike Piazza was nailed in the head with a water bottle during a game (and i thought that kind of thing only happened in Oakland). Piazza called the fan "gutless" and then proceeded to press charges, saying he hoped the fan would spend the night in jail. I do too, he's obviously a retard. It's never really a good thing for fans to be throwing things from the stands but it does beg the question-which objects, when tossed with reckless abandon, would cause other major leaguers to press charges?
So, following, is a largely pointless list, yay!!
1. Richie Sexson: Judging by how insanely successful Sexson's year has not been (unless of course you consider having more strikeouts than hits as a full time player successful) I'm tempted to think that Richie Sexson would feasibly press charges if some over-zealous fan were to print out the Mariners season stats highlight Sexson's name ball up the paper and chuck it at Richie's goatee white shouting "I drafted you in the sixth round motherfucker!!" After all, only a mother could love a .202 average, and even then it would likely be a forced love, like the kind prisoners give each other.
2. Edwin Jackson: If some creative soul were to craft a foam W (like the talking ones you see on Sesame Street) and lob it at Edwin I would think he'd be terrified enough to call in the cops. After all, I don't think Jackson has seen a "W" in what seems like five years. He'd probably think it was a rabid seagull, or a horribly deformed, food-poisoning infected curly fry.
3. Barry Bonds: I'm sure this one has already happened (not in San Francisco of course) but if a syringe were to pelt Barry in the ass his sense of righteousness would definitely kick in causing him to cal in San Fran's finest. After all, Barry never did that shit.
4. Gary Sheffield: If a bird were to crap on Gary's head, if a mosquito were to buzz in his ear or if some malcontent were to throw 3 sticks of dynamite at his feet Gary's reaction would be the same-calling the fuzz. After all, the only reason any of those creatures were targeting him was because he's black.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Song of the Week
Eh, I couldn't resist. Since imeem is so awesome i'm going to try and post some songs again. This weeks comes from alt-country mavens (well they're not really mavens but that word sounded so sweet that I needed to use it) The Roadside Graves. Their music reminds me of say Fingers Cut Megamachine or a country-fried Wolf Parade. Thusly they are pretty sweet. Anyways, this song has been stuck in my head, and I wanted to put it on my Myspace, however was derailed when I couldn't find it. The song is called Family Friends and is off The Roadside Graves 2007 release No One Will Know Where You've Been, which you can buy here.
Random list stuff
Reno 911!, Family Guy, Aqua Teen Hunger Force
In the next couple of weeks (since i'm not a movie aficionado i'm not sure of the exact time frame) The Simpsons movie will hit theaters. Now, I'm sure, as a result, all kinds of bloggers are furiously typing out rants about how the Simpsons is terrible, and, currently, a blight upon mankind then proclaiming Matt Groening to be the heir apparent to Satan or Alastair Crowley or something while eating cheezy doodles (like Stephen A. Smith) and reassuring themselves that they are the suavest of the suave. Or they're making a list or something about other TV shows that should be made into movies (Futurama anyone?). However, since I'm not suave, I won't be doing any of those things. I will be making a list however, of TV shows that should not be made into movies.
5. Robot Chicken: I guess some people find this show to be entertaining. I'm not one of them. I am however aware that recently the did a Robot Chicken themed Star Warsor something equally useless. Apparently, if that IGN cove story means anything, that little stunt has caused some kind of Robot Chicken fever that threatens to swallow up society and multiplexes alike. Please, comedy central, don't let that happen. I love me some claymation but this show fucking sucks.
4. Sealab 2021: One would assume that only a crack addicted meth monkey would even consider making a movie out of Sealab 2021, but since they made a movie out of ATHF I suppose anything is possible. Hopefully, however, Comedy Central will realize that any attempt to make a movie out of Sealab will result in something akin to a 90 minute fever dream that only mushroom popping burnouts will want to watch. And maybe this time they'll make the prudent decision and not make the movie anyways.
3. Friends: Considering the, in my opinion, completely unexplainable popularity of this show, it seems quite likely that the humorless bastards that own the Friendsbrand will someday try to beat a feature length film out of the dead horse that is Jennifer Aniston's "career". Honestly, I don't even know if Jennifer Aniston is in the show, but she seems like the kind of person that would be so I'll use her name here. The only way a Friends movie would be moderately entertaining would be if they took the cast to some deserted island and let Ted Nugent hunt them with high powered rifles. Or, alternatively, they could take six monkeys, all of different species and put them together in a posh Manhattan apartment then let them do stuff, like scratch and throw shit all over the place. It would be infinitely more entertaining then Joey mistaking Ross' statement that he's "hammering wood" as some kind of gay pass at him or Phoebe singing a stupid ass song about flowers and giving birth. Oh, and the acting would also be superior.
2. Seinfeld: As moderately entertaining as Seinfeld was making a movie out of it would be pointless. I just don't see what kind of storyline they could pull out their asses that will successfully cover 90 minutes. I suppose they could go Clerks style and make a series of vignettes, but, honestly, Jerry Seinfeld is no longer funny enough to pull that off. I never really understood what the hell the people were laughing at during those little stand-up skits that Seinfeld used to open each show. Maybe they were all thinking of Dane Cook. Or Carlos Mencia cuz those guys are flipping hilarious!!!! Anyways, my memories of this TV show are too good to be ruined by a movie so Jerry better not be getting greedy anytime soon. The only way a Seinfeld movie could be entertaining is if they replaced that fat guy that was eaten during Jurassic Park with either Michael Clark Duncan or Samuel L Jackson (when he's acting all crazy). Then, one of those two could share some screen time with Michael Richards. The racial unity that would then ensue would put a smile on the world's face or something.
1. Dukes of Hazzard: Jeez, I can only imagine how terrible a movie this show would make. I mean all the show featured was two retards driving around in a car on pointless. What the hell would they use to keep our interest for the whole two hours? They would have to really scrape the bottom of the barrel... maybe sign Johnny Knoxville and one of those American Pie rejects as the leads while pulling Willie Nelson out of his hemp coffin to play that old duke fellow. Then they'd have to make tedious jokes about how Willie smokes the cheebus and how it's funny to drive a car with a confederate flag in downtown Atlanta. The only way they could tarnish the "legend" (?) of Hazzard county is by hiring some talentless piece of white trash to play the iconic Daisy Duke!! They would never!!! Oh, wait. At least they never made a sequel.
In the next couple of weeks (since i'm not a movie aficionado i'm not sure of the exact time frame) The Simpsons movie will hit theaters. Now, I'm sure, as a result, all kinds of bloggers are furiously typing out rants about how the Simpsons is terrible, and, currently, a blight upon mankind then proclaiming Matt Groening to be the heir apparent to Satan or Alastair Crowley or something while eating cheezy doodles (like Stephen A. Smith) and reassuring themselves that they are the suavest of the suave. Or they're making a list or something about other TV shows that should be made into movies (Futurama anyone?). However, since I'm not suave, I won't be doing any of those things. I will be making a list however, of TV shows that should not be made into movies.
5. Robot Chicken: I guess some people find this show to be entertaining. I'm not one of them. I am however aware that recently the did a Robot Chicken themed Star Warsor something equally useless. Apparently, if that IGN cove story means anything, that little stunt has caused some kind of Robot Chicken fever that threatens to swallow up society and multiplexes alike. Please, comedy central, don't let that happen. I love me some claymation but this show fucking sucks.
4. Sealab 2021: One would assume that only a crack addicted meth monkey would even consider making a movie out of Sealab 2021, but since they made a movie out of ATHF I suppose anything is possible. Hopefully, however, Comedy Central will realize that any attempt to make a movie out of Sealab will result in something akin to a 90 minute fever dream that only mushroom popping burnouts will want to watch. And maybe this time they'll make the prudent decision and not make the movie anyways.
3. Friends: Considering the, in my opinion, completely unexplainable popularity of this show, it seems quite likely that the humorless bastards that own the Friendsbrand will someday try to beat a feature length film out of the dead horse that is Jennifer Aniston's "career". Honestly, I don't even know if Jennifer Aniston is in the show, but she seems like the kind of person that would be so I'll use her name here. The only way a Friends movie would be moderately entertaining would be if they took the cast to some deserted island and let Ted Nugent hunt them with high powered rifles. Or, alternatively, they could take six monkeys, all of different species and put them together in a posh Manhattan apartment then let them do stuff, like scratch and throw shit all over the place. It would be infinitely more entertaining then Joey mistaking Ross' statement that he's "hammering wood" as some kind of gay pass at him or Phoebe singing a stupid ass song about flowers and giving birth. Oh, and the acting would also be superior.
2. Seinfeld: As moderately entertaining as Seinfeld was making a movie out of it would be pointless. I just don't see what kind of storyline they could pull out their asses that will successfully cover 90 minutes. I suppose they could go Clerks style and make a series of vignettes, but, honestly, Jerry Seinfeld is no longer funny enough to pull that off. I never really understood what the hell the people were laughing at during those little stand-up skits that Seinfeld used to open each show. Maybe they were all thinking of Dane Cook. Or Carlos Mencia cuz those guys are flipping hilarious!!!! Anyways, my memories of this TV show are too good to be ruined by a movie so Jerry better not be getting greedy anytime soon. The only way a Seinfeld movie could be entertaining is if they replaced that fat guy that was eaten during Jurassic Park with either Michael Clark Duncan or Samuel L Jackson (when he's acting all crazy). Then, one of those two could share some screen time with Michael Richards. The racial unity that would then ensue would put a smile on the world's face or something.
1. Dukes of Hazzard: Jeez, I can only imagine how terrible a movie this show would make. I mean all the show featured was two retards driving around in a car on pointless. What the hell would they use to keep our interest for the whole two hours? They would have to really scrape the bottom of the barrel... maybe sign Johnny Knoxville and one of those American Pie rejects as the leads while pulling Willie Nelson out of his hemp coffin to play that old duke fellow. Then they'd have to make tedious jokes about how Willie smokes the cheebus and how it's funny to drive a car with a confederate flag in downtown Atlanta. The only way they could tarnish the "legend" (?) of Hazzard county is by hiring some talentless piece of white trash to play the iconic Daisy Duke!! They would never!!! Oh, wait. At least they never made a sequel.
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